Conversation With Your Child

Empowering Your Child with Conversation

When we think about what makes people friends with each other, a number of things come to mind.  For example, our friends like us and enjoy spending time with us, as we enjoy them.  And what is it we mostly do when we are together with our friends?  Mostly we talk and listen to each other.

Conversations are the exchange between people that help form alliances, the essential element in a strong relationship.  Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that it is their job to talk and their child's to listen.  It is also our job to listen and the child's job to talk.  It's a wonderful thing when a parent and child can really talk to and hear each other.

It is important that parents intentionally seek out conversations about sports with their athletes.  Here are some suggestions for how to engage your child in a conversation about sports.

Establish Your Goal: A conversation is something between equals.  Prepare yourself for a conversation with your child by reminding yourself that sport is her thing, not yours.  Remember that you want to support her, to let her know that you are on her side.  Your goal is not to give advice on how to become a better athlete (the coach is there for that purpose).  It should be to engage your child in a conversation among equals.

Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude:
Listen!  In many instances you may know exactly what your child can do to improve.  However, this is a conversation, remember?  Your goal is to get your child to talk about her sports experience, so ask rather than tell. 

Use Open-Ended Questions:
 "How was school today?"
"What was the most enjoyable part of today's practice/game?"
"What worked well?"
"What didn't turn out so well?"
"What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
"Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on before the next game?"

You may not get a great response the on the first try but keep asking.  Show You Are Listening.  Make it obvious to your child that you are paying attention through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact as he talks, nodding your head and making "listening noises" ("uh-huh," "hmmm," "interesting," etc.).

Let Your Child Set the Terms: Forcing a conversation right after a competition (when there may be a lot of emotion) is often less successful than waiting until the child gives an indication that he is ready to talk.  Boys may take longer than girls to talk about an experience, so look for signs that a child is ready.  And conversations don't have to be lengthy to be effective.  If your child wants a brief discussion, defer to his wishes.  If he feels like every discussion about sports is going to be long, he'll likely begin to avoid them.  And don't be afraid of silence.  Stick with it and your child will open up to you.

 

Enjoy: The most important reason why you should listen to your child with a tell-me-more attitude: Because then she will want to talk to you, and as she (and you) get older, you will find there is no greater gift than a child who enjoys conversations with you.